Happy Birthday Ray Ray

a new braclet from Emma

chicken and dumplings never gets old

Yesterday was Rachel's birthday.  She turned 15 years old and we celebrated in all the usual ways.  This year couldn't help but feel a little different though.  We had her state cross country meet in Albuquerque, which meant we had to travel there on Saturday so we had less time to prepare for the birthday stuff.  We were also all pretty worn out after the meet.   (Rachel actually ran the race so obviously she was tired...and Matt drove for 7 hours so that was exhausting....but don't underestimate how tiring it was for me to sit on my butt for 7 hours and stare out the window) The other reason that this year was a little different was self imposed by yours truly. You see, 15 years ago Rachel made me a mother and subsequently gave me the best job I will ever have.  After 15 years though....I sort of feel like I am nearing my retirement.  Some days, that girl seems all grown up.  I watch her navigate the world and realize that she is a fully functioning (and quite good at it, really) person.  How did that happen so fast.  Wasn't it only yesterday that she was too chubby to sit up straight and loved to fall asleep in my arms?  Wasn't it just yesterday that Matt and I brought a tiny little baby girl home from the hospital and had literally no idea why they were letting us leave with her....when clearly, we had no idea how to be parents yet?  Wasn't it just yesterday when Ray Ray went everywhere with me and we spent all of our days together, happily?  No, I suppose it has been a long time since all of that.  In those 15 years, I learned how to be a mom.  I learned that my heart is very breakable but that I am not.  I learned that life must be about change and growing. Kids have a way of forcing you to change just when staying the same feels the most comfortable (and just when you think you have things all figured out).  I also learned that letting go is overrated.....ok, I know I am supposed to say that "letting go" is part of the process and that it should be embraced and all that other stuff that would prove that I was a fully functioning person...however, in all honesty, I really do think it is overrated.  I like spending time with Rachel and secretly wish that she would always prefer to spend time with me and only me.  Ok, now back to what the fully functioning grown up would be saying....Perhaps, most importantly, I have learned that you can't go back....so you had better appreciate the moments as they happen because before you know it....she turns 15 and man oh man where did all that time go.  Thank you Rachel for giving me the best job that I will ever have.  Thank you for teaching me how to be a Mom.  Thank you for teaching me that some day I will be a fully functioning person just like you and be able to embrace the letting go part of you growing up.  And since Rachel is so fond of quotes.....I will end with something for you my dear sweet firstborn......if I know what love is, it is because of you.
--Herman Hesse